I am about three years into this separation/divorce thing. Three years from the point when I realized my marriage may not make it - that, despite my best efforts, my husband may actually decide to leave. That option had never occured to me, despite years of struggle and pain. I had assumed that, no matter how bad things got, eventually God would come through with flying colors, healing our marriage and knitting us together in the way he'd always intended.
It was three years ago that I started to awaken to the fact that one of us was not interested in God's plan for our marriage.
The first year was a wild roller-coaster ride, filled with unfathomable lows of heartbreak, fear, and rage - as well as spectacular highs of seeing God come through for me and my kids, using the very circumstances meant for our destruction to bring us closer to him. The second year involved lots of change - moving to a new city, my kids attending school outside our home for the first time, my return to college. It was a year of finalizing my divorce, embracing my singleness, building a new life.
Things have calmed down quite a bit as we approach the end of our third year. My kids are old hands at school, and so am I. Crises are few and far between. We have routine and schedule in our family. It is our New Normal, and I thought I'd be happy and content by this stage of the game. After all, we've come through a traumatic experience and have, I think, done more than survive. I guess I'd hoped that, after the initial trauma was over, there would be nothing left to grieve.
But as the need to put out daily fires all but disappears, there is nothing to distract me from the fact that all of us are living with some serious wounds - wounds of rejection, of fear. Living with the knowledge that the pits God will allow you to fall into can be horrifyingly deep.
Our nuclear family was torn apart. We survived the nuclear explosion. But I'm realizing that we'll be dealing with the fallout for years to come.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The Lord honors you, mom!
"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd, and he shall gather the lambs with his arm and carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." - Isaiah 40:1
Mother's Day can be tough for a single mom, even if you love your kids fiercely and wouldn't trade them for anything. On a day where other moms are honored with gifts and served with breakfast in bed or a dinner out, it still falls to you to make breakfast and clean up afterward, to brew your own coffee, to manage bickering between your kids, and to gear up for another week. You may feel unappreciated and undervalued. Maybe you carry guilt, knowing you sometimes fail your children, or struggle with fear that you cannot be all that they require. It feels like the entire burden is on you.
This is a powerful lie - one that can keep us permanently snowed under.
Mom, there is one who is gently leading you today. His eyes are on you, his arms are gathering you and your children. The Lord wants to speak to your heart today, mom, and honor you. Can you sense his nearness? He is not interested in beating you up for what you are not; he longs to whisper his love for you to your heart.
Lord I pray that you would speak words of honor and love directly to the hearts of single moms today. Thank you that in your Word you've promised to gently lead us that are with young. Let the single moms find rest in their hearts today, knowing that it does not depend upon us, but upon you.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! THE LORD HONORS YOU!
Mother's Day can be tough for a single mom, even if you love your kids fiercely and wouldn't trade them for anything. On a day where other moms are honored with gifts and served with breakfast in bed or a dinner out, it still falls to you to make breakfast and clean up afterward, to brew your own coffee, to manage bickering between your kids, and to gear up for another week. You may feel unappreciated and undervalued. Maybe you carry guilt, knowing you sometimes fail your children, or struggle with fear that you cannot be all that they require. It feels like the entire burden is on you.
This is a powerful lie - one that can keep us permanently snowed under.
Mom, there is one who is gently leading you today. His eyes are on you, his arms are gathering you and your children. The Lord wants to speak to your heart today, mom, and honor you. Can you sense his nearness? He is not interested in beating you up for what you are not; he longs to whisper his love for you to your heart.
Lord I pray that you would speak words of honor and love directly to the hearts of single moms today. Thank you that in your Word you've promised to gently lead us that are with young. Let the single moms find rest in their hearts today, knowing that it does not depend upon us, but upon you.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! THE LORD HONORS YOU!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Finding your Velvet-Covered Bricks
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." - James 1:5
After my husband moved out, it would be a gross understatement to say that I was overwhelmed and traumatized. I could not see which end was up. There seemed to be dozens of decisions to make, and I was unable to see clearly to make them. I even had trouble discerning which decisions needed to be made quickly, and which could be set aside for the time being.
So I started talking to people. Lots of people. Most of whom loved Jesus and loved me. But I noticed that if I asked 10 people their opinion, I would get 10 different answers, which only left me more confused, if that were possible.
So I decided to choose 3 people that would be my "go to" people when I needed to make a decision, such as how to handle a legal process or an inflammatory email from my estranged spouse. I dubbed these people my Velvet-Covered Bricks, because they treated me with gentleness and compassion, but they also told me the truth directly when I needed to hear it.
To identify my Velvet-Covered Bricks, I used a process of elimination. Anyone who routinely told me to "just keep praying and have faith, and God will restore your marriage" got the ax. This seemed to imply that if my husband decided to continue on a destructive path then it was my fault, owing to lack of faith. Anyone who regularly offered unsolicited advice got the ax, too. I felt controlled by them. People who were emotionally tied into my situation, such as my parents and my best friend, were not good candidates, either. They would gladly take a bullet for me, but because my pain is their pain, they tend to take my side, which is wonderful for comfort and support but detrimental for decision making.
My three Velvet-Covered Bricks were (and still are) a professional therapist who loves Jesus, an old friend who pastors a church in a different city, and an older woman who has walked a similar path and who has a peace that I wanted. It was amazing how similar their advice often was, even though they do not know one another.
TOOL: Begin identifying your Velvet-Covered Bricks. God will use them to give wisdom.
After my husband moved out, it would be a gross understatement to say that I was overwhelmed and traumatized. I could not see which end was up. There seemed to be dozens of decisions to make, and I was unable to see clearly to make them. I even had trouble discerning which decisions needed to be made quickly, and which could be set aside for the time being.
So I started talking to people. Lots of people. Most of whom loved Jesus and loved me. But I noticed that if I asked 10 people their opinion, I would get 10 different answers, which only left me more confused, if that were possible.
So I decided to choose 3 people that would be my "go to" people when I needed to make a decision, such as how to handle a legal process or an inflammatory email from my estranged spouse. I dubbed these people my Velvet-Covered Bricks, because they treated me with gentleness and compassion, but they also told me the truth directly when I needed to hear it.
To identify my Velvet-Covered Bricks, I used a process of elimination. Anyone who routinely told me to "just keep praying and have faith, and God will restore your marriage" got the ax. This seemed to imply that if my husband decided to continue on a destructive path then it was my fault, owing to lack of faith. Anyone who regularly offered unsolicited advice got the ax, too. I felt controlled by them. People who were emotionally tied into my situation, such as my parents and my best friend, were not good candidates, either. They would gladly take a bullet for me, but because my pain is their pain, they tend to take my side, which is wonderful for comfort and support but detrimental for decision making.
My three Velvet-Covered Bricks were (and still are) a professional therapist who loves Jesus, an old friend who pastors a church in a different city, and an older woman who has walked a similar path and who has a peace that I wanted. It was amazing how similar their advice often was, even though they do not know one another.
TOOL: Begin identifying your Velvet-Covered Bricks. God will use them to give wisdom.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
"I can't do this!"
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." -Psalm 40:1-2
I felt nothing but pure terror when I realized that I could not, by my own effort, bring about the things that mattered most to me. I cared most about restoring my marriage and providing a healthy, stable environment for my kids. All my efforts were bombing. My marriage was disintegrating before my eyes. I lived life in crisis mode, reacting in crazy ways to my circumstances. My temper grew increasingly short with the kids, and I could see the alarm in their eyes when I lost control of my emotions and yelled. I was working hard, hard, HARD to change my circumstances, to change my husband, to change my kids, to change myself. The more I tried, the more chaotic things became.
It was the beginning of something new when I admitted, for the first time, that I could not change or fix anything on my own. Knowing that I was unable, I was forced on my face before God. Over time, I began to realize that it was not my job to control people, places, or things. I began to cross "managing my life" off of my to-do list and putting it onto God's. I couldn't even carry out my desire to do the right thing without messing it up. This, too, went off of my to-do list and onto God's.
This still trips me up all the time. I am an action-oriented person, and I like to do things myself. When I don't let go of the things I can't control, though, my life quickly fills with anxiety and frustration. These emotions are my reminder that I need to let go of control and, once again, cross some items off my list and transfer them to God's. He hasn't dropped the ball yet.
Knowing our need is a gift. It enables us to get out of the way and go to the One who can control all the things we can't.
TOOL: The phrase, "Let go and let God" is a concise reminder that God is waiting for us to hand our messes to him so that he can start bringing order and peace in the midst of hopeless chaos. It is not too big for him.
I felt nothing but pure terror when I realized that I could not, by my own effort, bring about the things that mattered most to me. I cared most about restoring my marriage and providing a healthy, stable environment for my kids. All my efforts were bombing. My marriage was disintegrating before my eyes. I lived life in crisis mode, reacting in crazy ways to my circumstances. My temper grew increasingly short with the kids, and I could see the alarm in their eyes when I lost control of my emotions and yelled. I was working hard, hard, HARD to change my circumstances, to change my husband, to change my kids, to change myself. The more I tried, the more chaotic things became.
It was the beginning of something new when I admitted, for the first time, that I could not change or fix anything on my own. Knowing that I was unable, I was forced on my face before God. Over time, I began to realize that it was not my job to control people, places, or things. I began to cross "managing my life" off of my to-do list and putting it onto God's. I couldn't even carry out my desire to do the right thing without messing it up. This, too, went off of my to-do list and onto God's.
This still trips me up all the time. I am an action-oriented person, and I like to do things myself. When I don't let go of the things I can't control, though, my life quickly fills with anxiety and frustration. These emotions are my reminder that I need to let go of control and, once again, cross some items off my list and transfer them to God's. He hasn't dropped the ball yet.
Knowing our need is a gift. It enables us to get out of the way and go to the One who can control all the things we can't.
TOOL: The phrase, "Let go and let God" is a concise reminder that God is waiting for us to hand our messes to him so that he can start bringing order and peace in the midst of hopeless chaos. It is not too big for him.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Remember the movie The Princess Bride? The hero, Westley, is climbing the Cliffs of Insanity in a valiant attempt to save his true love. The rope he is climbing is cut by his enemy. Desperately clinging to the sheer face of the rock, Westley manages to pull himself to the top, barely escaping with his life.
I, too, have come dangerously close to toppling off the Cliffs of Insanity. My husband had moved out, leaving me and our four young children. The house was in foreclosure. My minivan got towed out of our garage due to nonpayment. My heart was shattered in a million bloody fragments, and I was supposed to be a rock for my young children, who were as brokenhearted and traumatized as I was. I could not fix any of it.
It seemed hopeless. I wanted to die.
In the midst of this, God sent a variety of people into my path, each of whom carried a very valuable tool they shared with me. By learning to wield these tools with increasing skill, I found that I was able to not only survive, but to thrive. I began to find joy, a sense of self, a reliance on a very real God with a very real Presence who lent very real Help right when I needed it.
I call these tools my Divorce Survival Kit.
This blog is an attempt to share what I've found to be indispensable in my healing from the trauma of my divorce. I am not finished healing yet; not by a long shot. But I'm a far cry from where I was three years ago. I have joy and peace most of the time. I'm excited about my future. My children are healing, too. Already, it's so much more than I could've imagined while teetering on the edge of the Cliffs of Insanity.
If you are bleeding out from the unbelievable pain of separation or divorce, you aren't alone. It will not always feel like this. And, there are some really practical steps you can take to lessen your suffering and find ways to get your needs met.
God is here, and God has healing for your heart.
I, too, have come dangerously close to toppling off the Cliffs of Insanity. My husband had moved out, leaving me and our four young children. The house was in foreclosure. My minivan got towed out of our garage due to nonpayment. My heart was shattered in a million bloody fragments, and I was supposed to be a rock for my young children, who were as brokenhearted and traumatized as I was. I could not fix any of it.
It seemed hopeless. I wanted to die.
In the midst of this, God sent a variety of people into my path, each of whom carried a very valuable tool they shared with me. By learning to wield these tools with increasing skill, I found that I was able to not only survive, but to thrive. I began to find joy, a sense of self, a reliance on a very real God with a very real Presence who lent very real Help right when I needed it.
I call these tools my Divorce Survival Kit.
This blog is an attempt to share what I've found to be indispensable in my healing from the trauma of my divorce. I am not finished healing yet; not by a long shot. But I'm a far cry from where I was three years ago. I have joy and peace most of the time. I'm excited about my future. My children are healing, too. Already, it's so much more than I could've imagined while teetering on the edge of the Cliffs of Insanity.
If you are bleeding out from the unbelievable pain of separation or divorce, you aren't alone. It will not always feel like this. And, there are some really practical steps you can take to lessen your suffering and find ways to get your needs met.
God is here, and God has healing for your heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)